Woe and Tell
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Backstory
| I was about 13 years old, my brother 15. We were driving with our dad when he decided to give us one of those informal talks about sex. |
Why is this mortifying?
| All discusions with ones father about sex are mortifying,but this one is so special because it also involves the shame of mastrubation |
Mortifying Text
| When I was about 13 years old I discovered my dads stash of 70's hustler magazines. I went back to the stash as often as I could get away with it and read every one, while I lusted over the pictures. I was very careful to put them back exactly how I had found them, because my shame about mastrubation was almost as intense as my drive towards "self harm". I beleived for the most part that I had been undetected so far. Sometime around then my father took my brother and I for a drive to run some errands. My brother, who was 15, controled most of the conversation with my dad. I only added a few comments when I had the opertunity. My comments were random and usually inapropriate. After My brother had said something about sports, I added that I had heard that black men had very large penises. My dad responded with the advise that "its not the size of the wand, but how you use it that matters". My brother then added "yes thats true. Some men use there penises like a club, but women dont like that. They need to be handled gentily". This was an exact qoute from one of my dads huslter magazines. My chest tightened up like a fist, and a sweat broke across my brow. I looked at my brother and then at my father. I could see in my fathers eyes that he recognized the qoute and that he could see I recognized it as well. No one said anything for a moment. We were kind of locked into a triangle of shame. I was mortified. My dad changed the subject and we never spoke of it again. |
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