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Woe and Tell

 

Title: Letters I Will Probably Never Write

Format: Diary
Submitted by: Emily
Rating: Okay, Now You're Starting to Scare Me


Backstory
In 7th grade I had crushes a mile a minute. And I was at the very least attractive point of my whole life. I was pudgy and already had boobs, and all the boys still looked ten. I wrote all three of these letters at once, never intending to send them.

Why is this mortifying?
How, exactly, can you start a "rumor" that someone is fat? Isn't that kind of obvious one way or the other? And I'll admit, I was a teenage psycho.

Mortifying Text
Dan,

I love you sooo much. I know you are already going out with Sara Menkin, and you probably think I'm just a fat bitch of a seventh grader, but thats what everyone says about me. They don't know me for who I am. I am no blubberball as they might say. After all, how would they know? In my opinion I can be really nice and I try to be as honest as possible. At the play you were probably just being polite by saying, "nice job." I guess you were pretty embarrassed when you found out Damara, Rachel, and those other girls liked you. You probably think I'm just an imature seventh grader with a crush, but that's far from true. Anyway, I just had to express my feelings and its okay if you never want to see my face again.

Howard,

Well, I can guess the expression on your face right now. Is this by any chance close? (insert badly drawn horrified face saying "oh god no!"). Sorry I can't draw. I guess until now I just thought of you as being there and always there. Just another person. Then I began to dig deeper. I found a cute, nice, sweet, human being. If you do finish reading this before burning it, it's alright if you hate me. I know there are already a lot of brutally cruel rumors about me going around (especially started by the Becky bitch). Don't believe them. Especially not the "fat" ones. They're lies. Anyway, gotta go, love ya!

Ben,

Yo dude! Okay, lets get serious now. Do you like me or are you just flirting? It is not nice to let someone get the wrong impression and lead them on. Anyway, if you do I guess I kind of like you too. Maybe I always have. Its just that you hurt me when we were going out and you started flirting with Sara whatever her name wuz. If you do like me, lets talk. If you don't, just be careful, BUD!


Reader Comments

Rated: Seek Therapy
By: melisssa
HA i love these.

Rated: Sorta Mortifying
By: Angie Baby
Wow, these remind me of letters I wrote!

Rated: Most Mortifying
By: Apple
I love the abrupt shift of tone in the 3rd letter. "Yo dude!" "...lets get serious". I'm really glad you never sent these letters.

Rated: Seek Therapy
By: Caroline
Hahahaha, you're so hard on yourself.

Rated: Seek Therapy
By: mh
"If you don't, just be careful, BUD" hahahahah classic. You tell em honey!

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