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Woe and Tell

 

Title: my first love letter

Format: Letter
Submitted by: mosettastone
Rating: Okay, Now You're Starting to Scare Me


Backstory
i love this letter. i got it from my friend when i was in...5th grade?? i think?? and already I had a PAST!! fucking sweet. i always held this dear.

Why is this mortifying?
three words: multiple choice questions and bullet points!

Mortifying Text
Dear M. (no names on this one) ,

i have been thinking a lot about you lately, and I am beginning to remember what it was like 2 years ago. During the school year, I've had crushes on other girls, but now I am thinking back to our first year at Camp, and the school year after it. For a long time, I was seriously considering going to camp and meeting someone there, but I've thought better of it now.

A few days ago, Matt and I were talking, and he mentioned how you and I used to be going with each other. He said we were the "Perfect Pair", and "What happened?". I shrugged my shoulders and said, "I don't know". I didn't know. What happened?

I don't think that there is any chance now that this feeling I have is "puppy love", because this feeling was just roused after a years rest!

I guess what I am burning to know if you love me, also.

The other night, at the pool, you said that none of the other boys you knew were even worth talking to. If this is true, things will be easier. I guess the ultimate quesion is: do you love me?

You may find this question hard to answer because of its extreme straightforwardness. To help you answer it, I will try to break it down. Please bear with me:

- To start, did you love me, or think you love me, before we broke up?

- If you did love me, or have any feelings at all for me, do you have any of these for me now?

- And, in conclusion, at being asked at this time, would you go with me.

I hope that these extra questions will make it easier for you to answer me.

Touching upon the third question, if it were in my power I would ask you. But my parents consider it ridiculous or anyone my age, or even K's age to be "going" with someone. As a slight formality, i will ask you to "Be my Girlfriend", which is about the same thing anyway.

I am sorry I have been writing you such a long letter, and I hope I didn't sound like Lewis Carol.

Please get back to me soon.

Love,

T.


Reader Comments

Rated: Okay, Now You're Starting to Scare Me
By: serenitynow
tween love meets english composition. so thoughtful to break it down for her.

Rated: Okay, Now You're Starting to Scare Me
By: Spiderleaf
Whoa... I'm so sorry... This is one of those things that happens when you were pretty sure you were older than your parents treated you like, but not so sure exactly how old...

Rated: Sorta Mortifying
By: Die Englische Dickter
Remember to state your position briefly and succinctly, children. The five paragraph essay, is, after all, the reason for all existance and the pinnacle of modern civilized thought.

Rated: Seek Therapy
By: D
It did kinda read like a deposition/cross-examination.I'm wondering if she consulted with her attorney after reading this?

Rated: Sorta Mortifying
By: impudent_wench
I'm sure that's just the sort of letter Lewis Caroll would have written.

Rated: Most Mortifying
By: Ratgirl
This is great! Just great!

Rated: Okay, Now You're Starting to Scare Me
By: Randominity
Let me break it down for you: This is heelarious

Rated: Seek Therapy
By: Screech
Kudos. Suck-tastic.

Rated: Seek Therapy
By: chris
sad thing is this is the formating my english final was in

Rated: Seek Therapy
By: heffy
i think the extra questions would help me know my feelings a whole lot better. run like hell.

Rated: Sorta Mortifying
By: pawketaces
Yeah he grew up to be the basis for a tele-pic on Lifetime - one of those where the abused wife has to get out of the house and the obsessive husband follows her. I think it ends with him killing her and getting a new unsuspecting wife.

Rated: Sorta Mortifying
By: Junebug
Do you like me? Why or why not? Show your work.

Rated: Sorta Mortifying
By: piglet
Wow. A pompous and legalistic 5th grader who is "burning to know." Did you get yourself some of that?

Rated: Sorta Mortifying
By: Gary 7 Infiltrator
That kid was pretty eloquent for a fifth-grader.

Rated: Sorta Mortifying
By: Hanbenon
Is this kid a Lawyer now? Great debate for love.:)

Rated: Sorta Mortifying
By: sxysara
Wow, was this written by Doogie Howser?

Rated: Seek Therapy
By: Lewis Carol
Whaaat?! That hurt my feelings! Girls "went with me" all the time!

Rated: Sorta Mortifying
By: BlueBuddha
You can tell he's a 5th grader by the absence of a fourth bullet point: - Will a negative answer to any/all of the preceding questions prevent me from getting some?

Rated: Most Mortifying
By: jaspor
har har har!

Rated: Seek Therapy
By: giggles!
this is awesome. laughed out loud.. a lot. i would have banged anyone who gave me this letter.

Rated: Okay, Now You're Starting to Scare Me
By: Belladonna
Well? Don't keep us all in suspense...did you love him before you broke up with him? And, if so, do you have those feelings for him now? Please refer to Section A, paragraph 3b for the remaining inquiries that require response. This could have only been worse if it was sent in high school and there was question of sex; just imagine how that would have been phrased. And can any lawyers out there explain the difference to me between "going with" someone and being a girlfriend? I skipped the 5th grade. Love it.

Rated: Okay, Now You're Starting to Scare Me
By: circus freak
I will now proceed to tell that author that this sucked, or more formally, was a poor attempt at a proposal to a girl.

Rated: Sorta Mortifying
By: littlekitti
lewis caroll was big on bullet points

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